Last night I woke up at 2.30 am, gasping for air.
I had a dream. In that dream, I can't breath. I was as well, chased by the shinigami. The angel of death. Maybe also by a ghost.
Before I woke up, I remember the feeling of only able to feel the air down to my throat. My lungs feels so tight. I thought I was going to die. My life would ended there and then.
The exact moment I woke up. All I remember I was gasping next. My chest still feels tight, but it was better than in the dream. At least I know I can breath, although in difficulty.
I trembled, and I cried. I couldn't fall asleep again, until after Subuh azan. I was so tired. I slept late, near to 2 am, which means I was only sleeping for half an hour. Half an hour in the world of dream. Of scary dream. Of terrible dream.
All I think was about the COVID-19. Ever since the outbreak, my anxiety resurface. I thought I sealed it pretty neatly once I finished up with paediatric. Even the sealer is still intact. If break here and there, was replaced with the new one. It is a fact that sometimes I found myself having this lack of air sensation since the first episode of anaphylaxis few years back.
Especially when I feel so anxious about something.
Since this coronavirus haunting our lives, my anxiety doesn't seem to resolve at all. I tried to suppress the feelings by act up happily all day, but as expected, day by day my energy consumption is more than it was on the day before. I returned home more tired each day.
To the point I have been thinking of showing my true colours, the real me at my workplace, and can't help thinking, what would they think about me then?
Would I be back to the time people think how snobbish and unfriendly I am?
Maybe if its for the best, I keep thinking that I should show that person to the world.
Maybe I was scared of the acceptance, although many times I was told to accept myself as a whole.
I read lot more these days. I feel the urge and the necessity to remain in my comfort cage.
And I got easily annoyed when people disturbed me while I read.
The more I read, the more anxious I get.
I got angry, why these people given chance to stay at home, didn't doing so, and here I am, have to go to work everyday, despite my anxiety that doesn't seem to calm down.
The back pain affecting more than ever.
While I couldn't sleep this morning, I texted someone, saying that I'm scared.
Yes, I'm scared on the reality that death is closer to us than we thought.
This someone who has been giving me lots of nasihat, in fact, my constant source of nasihat.
I try to calm down reading the old nasihat I was given before.
When I managed to fall asleep again, I had a weird dream.
Dream of place and feeling that is so familiar to me.
Zaman joining usrah jemaah.
I thought the dream too surreal. I was in the circle again, in that dream. I wonder what exactly my heart has been longing these days.
But I woke up feeling all better.
I wonder if actually deep in my heart, I really want that part of old me to be included in the newest version of me. Maybe, this already my favourite version of myself, would be even better. After all lately I've been thinking and doing things that I think would improve myself to a better person. Alter here and there bit. Taking small pieces of me from different version of me.
Few days ago, my friend texted me this, before she left for posting in Sabah.
"Anyway Shakira, actually you have so many things inside you that can contribute to this deen, like Ustaz Hasrizal. It is not just knowledge. Knowledge is the first but after the knowledge there are something big that Ustaz Hasrizal is doing."
She learnt that I'm a fan of Ustaz Hasrizal when one day I saw her reading 'Setia Dengan Kebenaran' and I obviously displayed my excitement. She then asked me what I like the most about the book.
I was pretty disturbed with this question that I asked her what she meant by that with her simple reply,
"Haha. Find it yourself"
This feeling of disturbed relived when this source of nasihat of mine, said this to me;
"Shakira, calm down. Sometimes the answer will reveal themselves in time. You will feel the missingness in yourself, you yearn an answer to fill that void. But sometimes the time is not right yet. Just continue living life doing what you need to do. Then the answer will present itself maybe with the feeling of ease, the feeling of satisfaction, or others maybe."
This nasihat is the first thing I thought of when I woke up.
I still wonder when the time will come that the answer will reveal itself.
But doing what I should do, I believed is what I shall do for now.
These two dreams that I had today so impactful that I can't stop thinking of many things now that my mind going so wild throughout morning that I have to end up write in my blog today.
No matter how anxious the reality could be, it is only for the fact that reality should be faced by everyone. There is no running away.
But what we do to face, the reality, really is all up to us.
Our answers would definitely be different, there is no right or wrong, as long as it is true to deen.
I had a dream. In that dream, I can't breath. I was as well, chased by the shinigami. The angel of death. Maybe also by a ghost.
Before I woke up, I remember the feeling of only able to feel the air down to my throat. My lungs feels so tight. I thought I was going to die. My life would ended there and then.
The exact moment I woke up. All I remember I was gasping next. My chest still feels tight, but it was better than in the dream. At least I know I can breath, although in difficulty.
I trembled, and I cried. I couldn't fall asleep again, until after Subuh azan. I was so tired. I slept late, near to 2 am, which means I was only sleeping for half an hour. Half an hour in the world of dream. Of scary dream. Of terrible dream.
All I think was about the COVID-19. Ever since the outbreak, my anxiety resurface. I thought I sealed it pretty neatly once I finished up with paediatric. Even the sealer is still intact. If break here and there, was replaced with the new one. It is a fact that sometimes I found myself having this lack of air sensation since the first episode of anaphylaxis few years back.
Especially when I feel so anxious about something.
Since this coronavirus haunting our lives, my anxiety doesn't seem to resolve at all. I tried to suppress the feelings by act up happily all day, but as expected, day by day my energy consumption is more than it was on the day before. I returned home more tired each day.
To the point I have been thinking of showing my true colours, the real me at my workplace, and can't help thinking, what would they think about me then?
Would I be back to the time people think how snobbish and unfriendly I am?
Maybe if its for the best, I keep thinking that I should show that person to the world.
Maybe I was scared of the acceptance, although many times I was told to accept myself as a whole.
I read lot more these days. I feel the urge and the necessity to remain in my comfort cage.
And I got easily annoyed when people disturbed me while I read.
The more I read, the more anxious I get.
I got angry, why these people given chance to stay at home, didn't doing so, and here I am, have to go to work everyday, despite my anxiety that doesn't seem to calm down.
The back pain affecting more than ever.
While I couldn't sleep this morning, I texted someone, saying that I'm scared.
Yes, I'm scared on the reality that death is closer to us than we thought.
This someone who has been giving me lots of nasihat, in fact, my constant source of nasihat.
I try to calm down reading the old nasihat I was given before.
When I managed to fall asleep again, I had a weird dream.
Dream of place and feeling that is so familiar to me.
Zaman joining usrah jemaah.
I thought the dream too surreal. I was in the circle again, in that dream. I wonder what exactly my heart has been longing these days.
But I woke up feeling all better.
I wonder if actually deep in my heart, I really want that part of old me to be included in the newest version of me. Maybe, this already my favourite version of myself, would be even better. After all lately I've been thinking and doing things that I think would improve myself to a better person. Alter here and there bit. Taking small pieces of me from different version of me.
Few days ago, my friend texted me this, before she left for posting in Sabah.
"Anyway Shakira, actually you have so many things inside you that can contribute to this deen, like Ustaz Hasrizal. It is not just knowledge. Knowledge is the first but after the knowledge there are something big that Ustaz Hasrizal is doing."
She learnt that I'm a fan of Ustaz Hasrizal when one day I saw her reading 'Setia Dengan Kebenaran' and I obviously displayed my excitement. She then asked me what I like the most about the book.
I was pretty disturbed with this question that I asked her what she meant by that with her simple reply,
"Haha. Find it yourself"
This feeling of disturbed relived when this source of nasihat of mine, said this to me;
"Shakira, calm down. Sometimes the answer will reveal themselves in time. You will feel the missingness in yourself, you yearn an answer to fill that void. But sometimes the time is not right yet. Just continue living life doing what you need to do. Then the answer will present itself maybe with the feeling of ease, the feeling of satisfaction, or others maybe."
This nasihat is the first thing I thought of when I woke up.
I still wonder when the time will come that the answer will reveal itself.
But doing what I should do, I believed is what I shall do for now.
These two dreams that I had today so impactful that I can't stop thinking of many things now that my mind going so wild throughout morning that I have to end up write in my blog today.
No matter how anxious the reality could be, it is only for the fact that reality should be faced by everyone. There is no running away.
But what we do to face, the reality, really is all up to us.
Our answers would definitely be different, there is no right or wrong, as long as it is true to deen.
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