A Tale of Vascular Surgeon

I have this in my phone for few years. I kept it for long, but today I kind of want to publish it to public. Maybe because I miss working with him. And I miss him teasing me around.

And I miss the way he makes me feel to become one respectable doctor.
And maybe because today I've been asked if I consider to go there again to work.

I can't help but imagine working with him in the same theatre all over again.
My strong grit and resilient in today's craziness honestly all because my ambitious dream and promised I made to him.
Well, more into a promise to myself, witnessed by him.

I can always remember those days of joke around.
"You seem to never leave this hospital. I can suggest the operating table is quite comfortable to be your bed."
And I remember I replied him,
"It's okay, I brought my own sleeping bag."

Oh dear I miss working with him so much.
.
.
.

I cannot be grateful enough when I saw him on my graduation day. 

To get him congratulate me personally.

To have him in one of pictures on my important day as a beginning of my career.

To be able standing proudly next to him.

But why? Some people have been asking this question?

They don't understand why this man himself is important person in my life, when he played an important role as a consultant to this troublesome student.

You see, when I was in year four of medical school, I thought I had done as much as I possibly could ever do as a medical student in my first week of rotation. But then, a consultant oncologist told me "you know things, but you have to be more confident in yourself" by the end of that week. I tried to improve myself throughout medicine rotation, be more confident with the knowledge I gained, to ask things, to answer things. Then come the second rotation. Surgery. Begun with Vascular Surgery attached to him. 

I heard too many bad stories about him. Well, to be honest I heard confusing things. Some people said he is nice, some said he's brutal. 

On my first day, I was so scared as I was on my own. And it was theatre day. When I was in second year, I had back problem that make me hate standing for a long time thus make me hate surgery. Even with the fact I'm enrolled to medical school to become a surgeon. It lasted for quite a while.

I wasted my first day of surgery rotation. I actually wasted the whole month of surgery rotation. Except for two days. The day I took a history and present the case of a patient post- carotid endarterectomy (CEA) as I already develop too much of interest in neurology, and the day I witnessed the CEA itself on my last day of vascular rotation. 

The funny thing is throughout one week of vascular attachment, I grew quite an interest in that specialty, and on the second day, I got this feeling that if I have any vascular diseases, I want to be managed by him, I know I will be in a good hand, of a consultant who cared of his patients very much. He is the kind of doctor I want to become since I choose medicine. I like him. How I got this feeling? From his teachings, from my case presentation. How passionate he is of his patients. You can easily feel it from the way he talk about his patients. 

I decided to do vascular surgery for my fourth year summer elective, with him. While other students choose another vascular surgeon 'the legend', I chose to attach to consultant I have learnt from, to make things easy. He easily recognised me when I presented myself on first day. He reminded me on the second day that I can do anything I want to ensure my learning in vascular during electives. He didn't put any limitations on what I can do throughout attachments. So I did everything that the team asked me to do. I thought I was diligent enough.

I was wrong. 

I was scolded for missing something very interesting that I will rarely ever see again, considering my upcoming busy final year. What I felt when he scold me? I felt like being loved (lol). The heck? Yes. I felt being loved as a week before that, I told him that I really want to see this procedure. I even ask him will he do any within one month in June. He said none. He even invited me to come to his theatre anytime at all if I want to see anything. But while on the day he was away and another vascular surgeon did the procedure, I didn't go (I was advised by the SpR to not go actually), he got angry and start lecturing me about the thing he remind me on the beginning of rotation, to ask around to learn, instead of just being told. I knew he's right. That's a great way to learn. Asking questions, asking to do procedures, asking to join operative procedures and scrubbing in, which all I ever do was ask lots of questions but didn't do any hands-on. A waste in surgery rotation. I don't realise this before and little did I know what he said, when implemented, save my final year student life. 

You know what he wrote in the comment section of assessment form?

"Needs to learn to take her own initiatives if she is going to progress beyond passive learning."

Sounds harsh. I felt that way. He was being harsh on me despite all the on-call hours I spent (which is load), all the history I took, all the activities I was involved in. But I then realised, none of the thing I did, started on my own initiatives. None. 

He probably write this because I'm not reaching his expectations, but I see this differently. I took it as he care. For he bother enough to write those during his busy hour (it was theatre day), being surgeon oh so blunt and direct enough, hit right at the point that shook me from my stand, not mentioning any efforts I had ever done at all, and all I want to do is to prove him that I can change and do better than what he see me.

As I mentioned, I like him already as he is the model of doctor I want to become. At this point, I admire him even more. I went to him frequently even I already with another team for electives. I want to learn more from him, to be inspired more by him, and to be criticised more by him, as I realised after one year and half of clinical years, only his way of constructive criticism actually lead me for my action to truly change myself.

I already consider vascular surgery as one of career choices the day I scrubbed in, in my first AAA ruptured repair. Except it is not my first option.

The great thing is he already invited me, three times, welcomed me to the theatre anytime I want even during my final year (he was among the first few people who knew I passed my fourth year).

I abused that privilege. I literally do that. I even go to his dressing clinics especially when I was bored. 

The team called his theatre as my favourite place.

During surgery rotation in final year, the more I study lots of specialties, the more I realised vascular surgery has its own place in my heart, and I love it more and more, enough to put it as my first choice, made me today. 

And you know what? Not only in surgery rotation that I implemented all the 'lectures' I got from him, all the scolding and harsh criticism. I began actually even during my summer elective with other team after finishing vascular.

How it ever affect me? I enjoy my rotations (every single of them including obs and gynae even!) I learn lots! Consultants willing to teach me more and more. I'm not scared to consultant, and I respect them more and more. I became brave. I gain more confident. I didn't get into trouble for my attitude. I changed as a person. I took everything as learning. Not taking bad things personally and cherish all wonderful moment. I become more enthusiastic of medicine and surgery than I already have. 

Just by implementing his expectations from students, and in effort to prove him that I can be better.

And the wonderful thing during my final year is as he already know me, it seem to me to talk to him easily even in the hallway. To ask him very random questions, to let him tease me lots, to let his team knows me and welcome me to join the team any time at all, to make his team updating me anything interesting while I'm not asking, and answer easily with welcoming tone when I'm asking. To feel like I'm a part of the team already. 

All of these made final year enjoyable, thus save me the stress.

I changed as a person. A new me. Not just as medical student, but my attitude as a whole. And to realise that I can improve all the time that I am not even reach my own capabilities, give me strength to destroy the wall of limitations I built on myself. 

And after all of these, it is only weird if I'm not grateful and ecstatic to have him as a teacher of medical school and of life. 

I couldn't be happier. 

To leave Ireland, with no chance to see him, talk to him, learn from him anymore is what struck me the most.

When you meet someone who brings the best out of you, who make you do something that you think you will never able to do, who make you change your view of your life, who encourage you to let out of your potential, who awaken the power within you, who taught you the fact that you are better than you thought you are, and who makes your life change forever.

You actually have meet the best teacher of your life up until now.

Cherish them. Acknowledge them.

“What I particularly like about him was the way he could not stop smiling when he saw us admiring him.”