I can't help but think that many of us experience heartbroken. Not only to love, but also in career or towards friendship. Sometimes the broken heart got too severe that it's already shattered into small pieces, almost impossible to put that back to proper shape again.
Have you heard the concept of Kintsugi? It's a Japanese art in which they repair a broken pottery using gold powder, and many times, making the pottery become more beautiful that the original creation.
But I reckon not all pottery can be mended that way, some simply just have to be thrown away.
The same to our heart. Maybe if the broken heart has a stronger material, and not easily shattered into pieces, it can still be mended, in many many ways. By getting help, by reading motivational books, or listening to motivational talk, or even watching movies or drama or in fact, anime that makes one feel life is bearable.
I was in that situation, might still am. I think it all started during my third year med school when my healthy grandfather passed away from Dengue Haemorrhagic Fever, the Denggi Berdarah. I remember he passed away in the ICU in one hospital in Selangor, and me, the granddaughter many people think the closest to him, was thousand miles away in Cork, Ireland, who was sleeping peacefully without realising she will never get to talk to her grandfather again. When earlier that day my mother said that my grandpa can communicate with the family who came visit.
I believe my soul already shuttered by then. He is the second person I'm closest with in the family. I remember crying everyday for the next three months.
I lost him forever, and I will never get him back.
I felt I already lost half part of my soul. I gradually no longer that person who have high confidence, extremely enthusiastic and most of the times, I just want to be with myself. I started to not bother about things that happened around me if its unrelated.
But then I found Vascular Surgery. I was completely in love with that subspecialty when I was in fourth year. It was my gold powder that connect my heart together
I passed medschool alhamdulillah. My initial plan was to study so hard to get good rank and get my place to work in Ireland, but one day I was reminded of that feeling of losing someone so important after not seeing them for months and unable to come home, I made an extremely tough decision, to put my application to Ireland to a stop. And of course I have no interest to get high score, and I would only satisfied by passing the course.
One of big mistakes I've done in my life.
But I got one motivation still, that keep me going. The thought that one day I will become a Consultant General and Vascular Surgeon. People around me can tell how obsessed I am with vascular surgery, like I can keep up my spirit just by the thought of becoming one. My ikigai.
Before I started my housemanship, I believe that I can get through it well despite the story I heard about working environment in Malaysia. I believed my dream to specialised in vascular surgery won't be able to be stopped by anything at all. I even chose the hospital that have vascular team in it, and in fact manage to stay in the team for more than 2 months during my surgery posting. Honestly I love the posting so much I couldn't find anything else that enjoyable afterwards.
Initially every time I feel down with my work, I found myself keep looking at the picture of me and my idol, my role model, my mentor, a vascular surgeon in Ireland.
Well then come two postings that happened to be one after another which I dislike so much even as student. I was broken. I was broken that I thought nobody would ever able to save me, I even no longer have any belief in myself, I don't see myself can pull it off, the thought of being extended until many months lingering over my head. This happened until a great friend in many way of efforts, reminding me of how much I love Vascular Surgery, saved me, recommend so many amazing anime, drama, and even BoJack Horseman, full knowing I am in fact watch anime (and loving it).
It take months to actually make my feet get up and started to walk again. I can no longer run but at least I can continue walking.
Even at times I was crawling. It was tough times.
And things gradually becomes better until one unfortunate event befell upon me.
I won't deny that even I don't think it was so serious enough in the beginning that it's going to change my life forever.
Until now, I can no longer running, hiking, lifting heavy objects, doing sport, or even wearing lead apron that so often used in vascular surgery.
Yes, I injured my back in that unfortunate event. It's funny how people say 'at least tak patah apa-apa' and just think its a minor injury to the joint, but they don't realised how debilitating this is, especially for me who originally having an active lifestyle. Imagine how a kampung girl can no longer menebas, mencangkul, or even menyapu kawasan halaman rumah without being in pain at all.
I remember it was towards the end of my sixth and last posting as HO, in Emergency Department. I got almost one month of MC and obviously I was extended in that posting due to the injury. Being a contract HO, that was nightmare, but what exactly I can do.
People started to tell me to find another future than vascular surgery. But I couldn't. I desperately hoping that things will be better and I can go back to my old active self.
When I was back to work, I was in light duty, even when I already floating MO in ED. Especially it was COVID, I was particularly given the attention to be on light duty as possible, and when I was deployed to MAEPS for PKRC, pretty much doing light duty most of the times, and after 6 months, I no longer have pain and I back on track. I started jogging again.
I thought I was okay until that day I was assisting 8 hours operation with one hour on lead apron. And all my nightmares appear again. Sometimes the pain so bad I have to take many days off from work.
Even until today.
Over time I realised this is a chronic issue, and without a doubt, putting a stop to my dream to become a vascular surgeon is almost inevitable. This leave a grave wound to my heart.
A reality kick in. My long time dream, my aim, that one thing that keep me going in this medical line, become the sharpest double edge sword.
My heart utterly devastated and I'm crushed. I don't exactly know what I want to do anymore. As if I lost everything. I don't understand why all of this happened to me.
And this wound begin to heal my soul. Making me put Allah more into my remembrance. Maybe I've been so ignorance to His strength and His power and the fact that He is all- knowing.
'Subhanaka la ilma lana 'illa ma 'allamtana innaka anta al-'alimul hakim'
- Glory the to You, we have no knowledge except what you have taught us. Verily, it is you, the All Knower, the All Wise."
This is from al-Baqarah, the second surah of Quran, 32nd ayat. Yes it does sounds familiar. It's the one we recite in our istikharah.
This ayat alone help me so much when things become completely out of control and no longer bearable anymore.
And its still happening now.
I'm started to find a better version of myself, do what I can to be closer to Him, to rely to him more and how my friend put it,
"Take comfort in Higher power."
I read more, taking more effort to go back to my old self who almost memorise the entire juju' Amma, doing more sunnah, listening to more ceramah agama from YouTube, and learning to take ibrah from life. Buka mata hati as how people put it.
al-Kahfi has been amazing surah that accompany me, and I came across a book by Ustaz Hasrizal, 'Diari Abah' in which each sentences amazingly touch my heart.
I won't say that I'm all good all the times. That when life hit me hard, I still fall down, I still lost hope.
I am a living with an extremely fragile soul. Who believed that I am broken beyond repair.
I believe Kintsugi is not applicable, my heart shattered like glass. That instead of repair it, maybe I just need a new one. To start fresh. Hence my efforts, to at least comforting myself that after and while doing that, I deserved to get a new heart, that I don't feel so bad if one day I do get the new soul, that I won't be so scared if I actually deserved it.
Or maybe I just want to make sure, if I ever get a new heart, it is from an extremely sturdy materials that I am no longer need to worry how life will destroy me.
And I somehow belief, a 'soul' which having a good base, good shape, good structure and good materials, that all come from Allah, together with good support, is not easy to be broken, or even if it is, Kintsugi can easily work on it, making one soul more beautiful.
Maybe what happened to me, that makes me frustrated until today is just a way that Allah reminds me how much I need him.
I guess.
And here I am, still on my journey in searching that lost soul.
And may one day, I found it.
Hopefully.
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