2016, that's pretty much when I was a 4th year medical student, very much naive of the reality of housemanship in Malaysia, and being doctor as overall in my own country land, tanah tumpahnya darahku.
I've been updating the page, deleting many, many of the previous posts, thinking some of them might be irrelevant and some, are too childish.
And I rename it from Ad-Deenul Khusnul Khuluq to Journey in Search of Lost Soul.
And here I am expressing myself of the reason I choose this as my new name for my blog.
I thought I have it good.
I always thought I had it good.
I got myself under control.
I sought help when I need to.
I believe that people won't affect me.
I'm strong. I know I'm strong.
I will remain the way I am.
That was a big mistake I made in my train of thought.
Housemanship is difficult, terribly painful.
The reality is that I lost my self so many times.
I fell down and pick myself back up, and fell again.
My heart bleed, my soul tormented.
My mind in despair.
I thought I was in the deepest hell of the current living.
Help, sometimes I shout.
Help!
At times, there are heaven.
Sometimes there are sweetness, and care.
We fought with each other a lot.
We also help each others many times.
Working with human, you are dealing with living things with highest mental function, supposedly, who able to think.
Thus we also have different opinions on many things.
Sometimes we agree with each other, sometimes we are not.
I lost my cool, and worst I forgot to remember him.
Being a doctor is challenging, I would rather say.
And this is from a view of a mere houseman.
Its difficult to get to spend long time on tikar sejadah,
Or reading many pages of Quran,
And being strong to wake up sepertiga malam for Tahajud.
We started to forget that we do all of this for the sake of Him, and not us.
We ignored the fact all our sacrifice, that we actually already foresee, is to help us to have a better humanity value, and to give others, hope.
We received so many pain.
We produced so many tears.
And we start thinking irrationally.
We started become cold hearted ourselves,
We started treating others the way we hated to be treated with.
We start being so selfish.
And sometimes, we lost our pure soul that we keep from day 1 stepping our foot to medical school.
In the midst of busyness, we forget to seek help.
And I realised this drawback in my life.
Sometimes, I took some few days leave, go to the seaside, or to Melaka, or to Penang, and seeking myself kedamaian dalam dakapan alam ciptaan Tuhan.
And realised how difficult to go back to all those toxicity after spending few days in freshness.
But with fresh mind, and new determination, pick myself up again, starting new days, before being disappointed by other's attitude shortly after.
"Why people have to be so toxic towards each other?"
I always wonder.
And because of this darkness, we are blinded with many kindness that others providing us.
Then we realised, we lost our poor soul again.
I remember back as a medical student, I wrote a lot.
I write when I'm happy.
I write when I'm sad.
I write when I'm angry.
I deliver my voice, many time through my words.
And I always find myself feeling better.
I guess, apart from reading non-medical books, or go to travel anywhere, I guess I should do what I used to do.
Sit down, open up my laptop and type anything that my brain have been thinking the whole day.
And find the ibrah, the lessons of what happened that day.
Walaupun ibrah bukanlah sesuatu yang kita perolehi terus.
"Life doesn't always give us answers
Some dots they won't connect until the years go by
If we're not meant to be together
Some day we'll know the reason why."
And here dear friends, don't let them stain you.
Don't let them affect you.
Don't let the toxicity flowing with your blood supplying your cells.
Stay being you.
Find yourself when you lose it.
Pick yourself up every time you fall.
Many times over.
Laugh away the pain.
And appreciate the love.
"Maka tersenyumlah wahai jiwa, dah tersenyumlah wahai cinta, hidup ini sementara.
Buangkan semua resah di jiwa, buangkan semua yang ada di kepala.
Ku sentiasa dekat denganmu.
Dengan senyuman akan mengubat segala resah di dalam hati,
Marilah mari kita menari hiburkan hati
Namun jangan terlalai dari mengingat sang Pencipta alam ini
Marilah mari kita menari hiburkan hati"
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