Back in Ireland, for three consecutive years I went to one of the Winter Gathering for Malaysian Community in Ireland, PUISI. It shortened for Perhimpunan Ukhwah Insaniah Seluruh Ireland. Pretty much some students across Europe will come and joining this program, having fun with the activities and listening to talk by pretty much famous figures.
In 2012, it was Ustaz Hasrizal.
In 2013, it was Ustaz Zahazan
In 2014, it was Ustaz Ridhauddin.
I didn't go to the next two years though, and I'm kind of regretting it.
I don't have the slightest intention to write about PUISI, but I want to share one important phrase I learnt during PUISI 2014, from the mouth of our one and only Ustaz Ridha.
"Orang yang hidup mata hait melihat semua benda muhasabah kepada dirinya."
2019 was a terrible year for me, but alas, a wonderful year.
I loss my soul in the process but I found a friend who helping me gather up all the puzzles, although until today, I'm still slowly connecting the pieces. To even write about it, I might ended up writing a book, a memoir of 2019 maybe.
I thought 2020 is going to be a better year. I have a feeling that it's going to be a better year. And I deeply hoping it's going to be a better year. But let us be brutally honest. We all have it, January is way too long for the world, now that February have arrived, still we unable to inhale the relieving breath. To the point I think that we are approaching the end of the world.
How about my year then?
I changed a lot towards the end of last year, and I can safely say that I'm still changing. Oh well, I hope I am, especially towards a better person. And maybe because this changing and growing me now perceived things very differently. And the way I accept things that happened to me and to my surrounding has been changed 180 degrees.
A little bit about myself, I always has been extremely poor in communication. I'm terrible in making friends, and I often found myself being misunderstood, as I never able to explain my intention or my thought properly. And these, many times, making people angry at me. To be honest, most of the time I thought I deserved it. And sometimes I think, I am very much better off without human friends, that I have books and my family, plus with my ambitious dream. I often see myself as victim, as if I really am. Blaming that I grow up in a family that full of flaws, as if others didn't. But I guess my upbringing actually bring me to where I am today, a houseman, crawling to her big ambition of becoming a vascular surgeon. And with that I found myself always alone, being left out and being in comfort to leave others who can't follow my pace. I wasn't a great friend, or sister, or daughter. I am in perfect flaws.
I can't blame others and I know that I won't. It has been my fault since the beginning.
On the second of January, I fell down. I was walking in the kitchen when I stepped over slippery floor that I ended up falling backward, supine. Which means I fell on top of the floor with my whole body severely hit the floor, including my head. I can't move for several painful few minutes. And when I finally able to, I did so with ultimate pain. 10 out of 10 I would say. I felt tormenting pain upon bending and praying becomes the time for me to test my ability to fight the pain especially during ruku' and sujud. It was my off day, I was alone at home, both my parents were at Penang. What did I do? Nothing. I just rest and bear the pain with Paracetamol. The next day, I work on the night shift. Driving for at least 40 minutes made the pain become more unbearable, thus I asked my friend to give me IM Voltaren (lesson learnt, never give IM Voltaren to the deltoid!) and I manage to go through the night. So everyday, I went to work taking analgesics and just bear the pain the whole 12 hours shift. Love to remind, I worked in ED. I kept my brain busy so I don't actually remember I have the pain until one day, I felt burning sensation at my left lower limb. And I ordered myself X-ray which actually showed no fracture. I was relieved and I continue working. But then, the next day was intense. Transferring patient. One of the thing that you do when you accompany post trauma patient with cervical collar to CT scan and Xray and MRI and that was when I finally feel the terrible pain again. Long story short, I was admitted. And after few days, MRI done shows no fracture, I was discharged. Well, I asked to be discharged as everything was okay. Given MC for a week. Trouble came after I came back to work after MC, I'm not in perfect fit to work to many opinion, and thus few times my MC got extended.
I was scared. I was terrified of my future.
First, the prolonged MC guaranteed my extension in my current and last posting, ED. And second, having a bad back jeopardise my dream of becoming a Vascular Surgeon.
So I decided to take every means to get better, well, start off with finally going to physiotherapy that I have been neglecting. And this is things getting worse for me.
After an hour session, I sense my leg getting so heavy. So heavy that I dragged my left leg, walking from physiotherapy to ED for my shift, just to arrive at ED with unmanageable pain that they have to put me on bed and I can't stop crying. I got scared as I can't move my leg and all of sudden it became extremely painful all over again.
And here I was, being hospitalised and today is actually my fourth day here.
It is depressing. I am a kampung girl. Everyday, I breath in the freshness of green before going to work and came back from work. At night, I look upon the sky and witnessing the beautiful stars or even cloudy night with warm breeze. The feeling is amazing. But here, I can't even see the outside world, and I certainly sad, being secluded, with no real connection to the outside world. All I do really are reading, playing games, watching anime or drama, eat, pray, sleep and repeat.
And after times, I allow disturbing thought controlling my head. Would I ever get better if this continue? Can I really be strong enough to fight my way to become a surgeon. This thought torturing my soul, eating up my energy and my already lack of positivity. I got myself in serious loneliness. I read many books but they aren't just enough. Honestly, if I ever got detained in Joe's secret box like in YOU, I would be the first to die.
I watch Fate Series. This time Fate/Apocrypha. Enough to give fun but certainly unable to actually lifting up my spirit again. But then I watch till I finish BoJack Horseman.
BoJack Horseman, in simple term is someone we wish we can be, but we will never have the heart to be. There is some BoJack Horseman part in all of us, but we will never allow this part to control us. The season finale, of Season 6 is way too beautiful. It is beyond amazing. BoJack was allowed to attend his ex-manager, ex-agent, ex-girlfriend, Princess Carolyn, wedding party, and his beautiful conversation with her as well as his ghost writer, Diane Nguyen.
Princess Carolyn has been amazingly successful lady, a high achiever, who didn't allow her private life to affect her working life. She has an assistant, Judah, who understand her to the very core. Who, in my believe, has high respect on her, value her so greatly, knowing what exactly she want, and what she doesn't like and always be there to rescue her. In Episode 14, he supposed to be playing in a band, but he left and go back to work to help PC. However, PC who has the second heart to actually see Judah playing, arrived to where the band performed just to find that he wasn't there. The fate take it they both meet in her office, while PC asked Judah to help her, to sing one song, which Judah do without second thought, in very honest and humble lyrics and tone, delivering the message that he loved her.
In Season Finale, this is what Princess Carolyn said to BoJack.
"I guess I'm afraid of losing some part of myself. I'm afraid that if I let someone else take care of me that I'm not really me anymore. I'm afraid of getting too comfortable, you know, going soft. I'm afraid that this could be the best thing that ever happened to me and if it doesn't make me as happy as I'm supposed to be, that means I'm a lost cause."
At that point, everything hit me. I really want to be as successful as Princess Carolyn and without I realised, I am actually looking for my Judah.
Funny that I will never know. Even PC never know. Judah has been in front of her eyes, taking care of her in many, many years that they are finally together.
But one thing hit me. Princess Carolyn is quite old, she spending her younger years with BoJack Horseman, but it never stop her to actually achieve what she want. She keep seeking, thought she never found it, but she never give up. She always do her best for everything regardless what. She don't believe in other's sympathy, she believe in work hard. When she adopted a daughter, Ruthie, she brilliantly allocate her time that even she is a very busy with her works, she can bring comfort herself. She is one successful lady with a dear motherly heart. She don't actually stop for very long time with her graving soul thinking that she won't have her happiness. She look for it, but she doesn't stop whatever she was doing that time.
She was amazing.
And all of sudden I was reminded to what exactly Diane have said about good damage. She relate it to Kintsugi, the art of repairing a broken pottery by using gold or some sort.
"You know, those bowls that break and then the cracks get filled with gold and they're even more beautiful?"
...
"Like we've all been damaged, but its good damage because it makes us more who we are."
And from this alone, I find the beauty.
A dear friend told me before,
"It is difficult, just how hard to finish med school. Some might say it was the hardest part in life. But now when look back we can say these were times that we actually enjoyed. Such is life. We cannot fully appreciate its beauty when we going through it as our focus is ahead. But one day we will look back these times and find its own beautiful."
I guess I just didn't see the hikmah of things that has been happening to me, but it is certainly wrong for me to not find it. Or maybe I simply has my mata hati closed. Which is sad, like very sad.
But the new and growing me, I guess, simply learn to accept thing as it is, and one day I will look back at today, and hopefully being grateful that this day happened.
In 2012, it was Ustaz Hasrizal.
In 2013, it was Ustaz Zahazan
In 2014, it was Ustaz Ridhauddin.
I didn't go to the next two years though, and I'm kind of regretting it.
I don't have the slightest intention to write about PUISI, but I want to share one important phrase I learnt during PUISI 2014, from the mouth of our one and only Ustaz Ridha.
"Orang yang hidup mata hait melihat semua benda muhasabah kepada dirinya."
2019 was a terrible year for me, but alas, a wonderful year.
I loss my soul in the process but I found a friend who helping me gather up all the puzzles, although until today, I'm still slowly connecting the pieces. To even write about it, I might ended up writing a book, a memoir of 2019 maybe.
I thought 2020 is going to be a better year. I have a feeling that it's going to be a better year. And I deeply hoping it's going to be a better year. But let us be brutally honest. We all have it, January is way too long for the world, now that February have arrived, still we unable to inhale the relieving breath. To the point I think that we are approaching the end of the world.
How about my year then?
I changed a lot towards the end of last year, and I can safely say that I'm still changing. Oh well, I hope I am, especially towards a better person. And maybe because this changing and growing me now perceived things very differently. And the way I accept things that happened to me and to my surrounding has been changed 180 degrees.
A little bit about myself, I always has been extremely poor in communication. I'm terrible in making friends, and I often found myself being misunderstood, as I never able to explain my intention or my thought properly. And these, many times, making people angry at me. To be honest, most of the time I thought I deserved it. And sometimes I think, I am very much better off without human friends, that I have books and my family, plus with my ambitious dream. I often see myself as victim, as if I really am. Blaming that I grow up in a family that full of flaws, as if others didn't. But I guess my upbringing actually bring me to where I am today, a houseman, crawling to her big ambition of becoming a vascular surgeon. And with that I found myself always alone, being left out and being in comfort to leave others who can't follow my pace. I wasn't a great friend, or sister, or daughter. I am in perfect flaws.
I can't blame others and I know that I won't. It has been my fault since the beginning.
On the second of January, I fell down. I was walking in the kitchen when I stepped over slippery floor that I ended up falling backward, supine. Which means I fell on top of the floor with my whole body severely hit the floor, including my head. I can't move for several painful few minutes. And when I finally able to, I did so with ultimate pain. 10 out of 10 I would say. I felt tormenting pain upon bending and praying becomes the time for me to test my ability to fight the pain especially during ruku' and sujud. It was my off day, I was alone at home, both my parents were at Penang. What did I do? Nothing. I just rest and bear the pain with Paracetamol. The next day, I work on the night shift. Driving for at least 40 minutes made the pain become more unbearable, thus I asked my friend to give me IM Voltaren (lesson learnt, never give IM Voltaren to the deltoid!) and I manage to go through the night. So everyday, I went to work taking analgesics and just bear the pain the whole 12 hours shift. Love to remind, I worked in ED. I kept my brain busy so I don't actually remember I have the pain until one day, I felt burning sensation at my left lower limb. And I ordered myself X-ray which actually showed no fracture. I was relieved and I continue working. But then, the next day was intense. Transferring patient. One of the thing that you do when you accompany post trauma patient with cervical collar to CT scan and Xray and MRI and that was when I finally feel the terrible pain again. Long story short, I was admitted. And after few days, MRI done shows no fracture, I was discharged. Well, I asked to be discharged as everything was okay. Given MC for a week. Trouble came after I came back to work after MC, I'm not in perfect fit to work to many opinion, and thus few times my MC got extended.
I was scared. I was terrified of my future.
First, the prolonged MC guaranteed my extension in my current and last posting, ED. And second, having a bad back jeopardise my dream of becoming a Vascular Surgeon.
So I decided to take every means to get better, well, start off with finally going to physiotherapy that I have been neglecting. And this is things getting worse for me.
After an hour session, I sense my leg getting so heavy. So heavy that I dragged my left leg, walking from physiotherapy to ED for my shift, just to arrive at ED with unmanageable pain that they have to put me on bed and I can't stop crying. I got scared as I can't move my leg and all of sudden it became extremely painful all over again.
And here I was, being hospitalised and today is actually my fourth day here.
It is depressing. I am a kampung girl. Everyday, I breath in the freshness of green before going to work and came back from work. At night, I look upon the sky and witnessing the beautiful stars or even cloudy night with warm breeze. The feeling is amazing. But here, I can't even see the outside world, and I certainly sad, being secluded, with no real connection to the outside world. All I do really are reading, playing games, watching anime or drama, eat, pray, sleep and repeat.
And after times, I allow disturbing thought controlling my head. Would I ever get better if this continue? Can I really be strong enough to fight my way to become a surgeon. This thought torturing my soul, eating up my energy and my already lack of positivity. I got myself in serious loneliness. I read many books but they aren't just enough. Honestly, if I ever got detained in Joe's secret box like in YOU, I would be the first to die.
I watch Fate Series. This time Fate/Apocrypha. Enough to give fun but certainly unable to actually lifting up my spirit again. But then I watch till I finish BoJack Horseman.
BoJack Horseman, in simple term is someone we wish we can be, but we will never have the heart to be. There is some BoJack Horseman part in all of us, but we will never allow this part to control us. The season finale, of Season 6 is way too beautiful. It is beyond amazing. BoJack was allowed to attend his ex-manager, ex-agent, ex-girlfriend, Princess Carolyn, wedding party, and his beautiful conversation with her as well as his ghost writer, Diane Nguyen.
Princess Carolyn has been amazingly successful lady, a high achiever, who didn't allow her private life to affect her working life. She has an assistant, Judah, who understand her to the very core. Who, in my believe, has high respect on her, value her so greatly, knowing what exactly she want, and what she doesn't like and always be there to rescue her. In Episode 14, he supposed to be playing in a band, but he left and go back to work to help PC. However, PC who has the second heart to actually see Judah playing, arrived to where the band performed just to find that he wasn't there. The fate take it they both meet in her office, while PC asked Judah to help her, to sing one song, which Judah do without second thought, in very honest and humble lyrics and tone, delivering the message that he loved her.
In Season Finale, this is what Princess Carolyn said to BoJack.
"I guess I'm afraid of losing some part of myself. I'm afraid that if I let someone else take care of me that I'm not really me anymore. I'm afraid of getting too comfortable, you know, going soft. I'm afraid that this could be the best thing that ever happened to me and if it doesn't make me as happy as I'm supposed to be, that means I'm a lost cause."
At that point, everything hit me. I really want to be as successful as Princess Carolyn and without I realised, I am actually looking for my Judah.
Funny that I will never know. Even PC never know. Judah has been in front of her eyes, taking care of her in many, many years that they are finally together.
But one thing hit me. Princess Carolyn is quite old, she spending her younger years with BoJack Horseman, but it never stop her to actually achieve what she want. She keep seeking, thought she never found it, but she never give up. She always do her best for everything regardless what. She don't believe in other's sympathy, she believe in work hard. When she adopted a daughter, Ruthie, she brilliantly allocate her time that even she is a very busy with her works, she can bring comfort herself. She is one successful lady with a dear motherly heart. She don't actually stop for very long time with her graving soul thinking that she won't have her happiness. She look for it, but she doesn't stop whatever she was doing that time.
She was amazing.
And all of sudden I was reminded to what exactly Diane have said about good damage. She relate it to Kintsugi, the art of repairing a broken pottery by using gold or some sort.
"You know, those bowls that break and then the cracks get filled with gold and they're even more beautiful?"
...
"Like we've all been damaged, but its good damage because it makes us more who we are."
And from this alone, I find the beauty.
A dear friend told me before,
"It is difficult, just how hard to finish med school. Some might say it was the hardest part in life. But now when look back we can say these were times that we actually enjoyed. Such is life. We cannot fully appreciate its beauty when we going through it as our focus is ahead. But one day we will look back these times and find its own beautiful."
I guess I just didn't see the hikmah of things that has been happening to me, but it is certainly wrong for me to not find it. Or maybe I simply has my mata hati closed. Which is sad, like very sad.
But the new and growing me, I guess, simply learn to accept thing as it is, and one day I will look back at today, and hopefully being grateful that this day happened.
Comments
Post a Comment